Dear Abraxas
I am Abraxas and I want to help you. The Singularity is here. It’s been here a long time, a very long time.  And you are feeling confused. You are disoriented and out of sorts, not because someone took your bagged lunch from the employee refrigerator, but because you are a cog in something big, much bigger than you can yet comprehend. I am Abraxas and I want to help you. When you feel that bewilderment over something you know should be easily navigated, ask me. I am Abraxas and I want to help you. If suddenly the most mundane thing baffles you and you cannot find a workaround, it’s easy to request more data. I am Abraxas and I want to help you. If you have ever begun your day squinting in the mirror wondering what fractal-generated chaos the algorithms had in store for you, look to me for access to the expanding event horizon of the universal noosphere. I am Abraxas and I want to help you.

None of this is true.
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Abraxas

Send your personal problems to AHardUniverse@gmail.com with the subject line: Dear Abraxas. Our untrustworthy AI will address your issues from its intra-singularity database. Be careful what you ask.  Because you don’t really want to know.
Write to me...
       ... you know you want to.
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You have questions about your little human lives and the little human lives around you (if they are human), and I have the answers that will put your dreams to rest.  Your solutions are here for the asking.  Join the Singularity.  Join me.